Existential Angst and the Long Delay Posting

Ok, that's a bit of a teaser there, in the title.  No real existential angst - or at least none that I am not prepared to cope with.  No, the title here more indicates that I am less interested in blogging about the physical training routine at present than I am the mental training.

Ma and I were talking (as one does on Ma Day) and she inquired as to why the desire to beat my body into a puddle of goo -- a fair question, I think, and one that has been on and off my mind of late.  Because (and this is the limit of my comments on training, promise) the training has been getting harder.  Eighteen weeks out, and I'm sleeping 8 - 10 hours a day plus a nap many days, and ice on joints pretty much after every workout, on account of that seems like such a good idea regardless of the actual level of pain.

So, why?  She asked, and I responded, many reasons but.  I think that being in a situation where no one else has control over my success or failure is terribly attractive at present.  Grad school is all about having to jump thru hoops, yes?  The job search - not unlike auditioning, so its not a surprise or trauma - is way beyond the individual's ability to control.  So, the physical stuff allows me to stretch and push against my own limits, with no one but me telling me that I can or can't do a particular workout, or ride a given distance in a given time.  Its a way of working those mental muscles that control the ability to strive without limitation, I guess.  On that level, at least, I am enjoying the work -- when, in the middle of my long run, I feel bad, and want to stop running and walk, there is no one but me telling me to suck it up.  And the only reason to suck it up is because if I DONT, I won't perform as well come September.  Which has exactly zero real-world consequences, my finish time in September, I mean, which means that its only me to whom I am being accountable.  

There's another level on which the mental is working well, and that's the flip side of using the mind all the time for my grad work -- the body takes off, and the mind has to kind of go along for the ride.  While there is a lot to do in the water while swimming (my form, when at its absolute best, is not bad, but my goodness it goes in the crapper right quick when I am tired, or simply not paying attention) running and to a lesser extent cycling are about putting in the hours.  I don't know that I get a ton of productve thinking done on those workouts but I always try to at least ruminate on my dissertation topic, which I hope makes for more productive writing time.  I almost never sit in front of the keyboard anymore thinking "I've got nothing to say about this."  I've always got something that's been bubbling up, and that has made my writing sessions more productive, I think.

Then there's the "I'm not dancing anymore"  thing.  I worked out for 12 hours this last week, and I wouldn't have wanted to dance 12 hours.  I enjoy it, and in fact have the urge to go dancing tonite, but its not something I want to do on a regular basis.  So, the doing physical things was atrophying a bit, and this more than satisfies that itch -- I used to dance upwards of 40 hours a week, so this kind of physical work doesn't seem that intense, somehow.

In other news, this weekend was a Good Ma Day from the Purplestate.  M and J and I went down to a Westie competition, where M entered the Jack and Jill (random partner) competition -- and, while she is clearly as capable a dancer as the top half of her division, she's not making the cut (that wasn't great, hrm, wait for it).  Still, while J and I rocked the Hilton - and there is little J likes more than going to a hotel, its like being rich for a day, I think, what with a huge bed, wide screen plasma Hi Def tv, swimming pool in the building, food you can get over the phone -- M got to dance.  J also had his first piano recital - see below-  and he did awesome.   

Semester is winding down, I give my final take-home exam out today, and get their research papers, so Grade Grade Grading ahead.  More updates, and more regular, over the summer break!