I know, on an intellectual level, that the delta between running 7:30 a mile and 8:00 translates into that kind of time difference. What still makes me go hrrrrrm is the difference in effort -- I was crushed after the race last week, having had breakfast, with aid stations, and a couple of gels on the run. Today, no breakfast, no water, no gels, and I walked off the trail going, hrrrrrm.
THAT being said, what I really wanted to ruminate on this morning was the mental game. Here's a snapshot of my mental processes through the morning.
7:45 am "Ugh. I have to get up and do my long run. Blargh."
8:45 am, mile 2 "Gah, I feel like crap. Maybe I wont do the full 13 miles today."
9:30 am, mile 6.5 ish "Well, I held 8s out to hear, I guess it doesn't matter too much if I drop to 8:15s. Its November, after all."
10:30 am, 2 miles to go. "hhhhh. Ok, I brought it back down to 8s, maybe I should just take it easy through the finish."
10:45 am 1/4 mile to go. "Glarg, can I just walk the last 1/4 mile?"
So -- I didn't crack, I didn't slack, and I didn't slow it down. But, for the love of all that's sacred in this everlovin world, why can't I get my attitude turned around 180 degrees? Whats with the negativity? I hate that about my mental life when I am out on the course.
About a year ago I set the entirely unreasonable goal of going to Kona in five years, meaning I would have to go somewhere south of 9:30:00 in an Ironman distance race. It seemed like a good idea at the time. And, hey, 11 months into that quest, things are better -- my health, my relationships with my family, my writing, there are lots of secondary benefits that I have realized as a result of committing to a considered regimen of exercise. So why do I, in the moment, not want to do the work?
My feeling over the past year during training was that this aspect of my workouts was going to get better. That, once I was better able to assess the relative merits and importance of the workouts, and get a sense of the benefits that I was realizing as a result of doing them, I would be able to get my head in the game. My suspicion is that champions, elite competitors in any sport or endeavor, do not find themselves sabotaging their own work in their head.
Did it happen when I was unable to make a career as an actor in NYC? Because even then, I didn't always want to do the work. I did not work hard enough to make it -- relative merits of talent and ability and charisma and connections and luck aside, there were people out there who worked harder than me, who wanted it more than me. I don't KNOW when it happened. But at some point, part of my psyche decided that my mantra was going to be
"The key to happiness is lowering your expectations."
I say that in jest a lot. I'm thinking I need to stop that.
On the other hand, I read in a book about distance runners recently a woman who said "I welcome the onset of fatigue. Its like an old friend. I know how to handle it, and so if it doesn't show up, I start to worry." Maybe thats how I need to deal with these thoughts or, if you will, inner demons. Recognize them as the part of me that wants to fail, to be able to say "hey, you tried, and thats all that really matters," and know how to respond to them -- by doing the opposite of what they suggest.
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